• Take photos of every room so you can remember exactly where everything is.
• Clear all valuables away, preferably sticking them in the attic.
• Remove any proud photos your parents may have of you. Your ridiculous hairstyle from way back will guarantee you won’t get laid.
• Get a bouncer. If you can’t afford a professional one get the biggest guy you can find (possibly a rugby player). If they’ve done time, or even got some form, so much the better.
• Bribe the neighbours. Everyone is up to something. Minor tax fraud, adultery etc, so spy on them and let them know in no uncertain terms that you’ll blow the whistle if they make any noise complaints.
• Invite a celebrity. You’ll be amazed how willing ex-reality TV stars are to turn up to even the lamest bash.
• Lock some of the rooms up. This forces the few people who do turn up into one area making the place appear full.
• Get a DJ. Even if it’s your 13 year old cousin, put an afro wig and some shades on him and re-christen him MC Badman.
• Get plenty of birds there by saying that you’re older brother has invited some professional footballers. Girls rarely know their Carricks from their Carraghers, and if your lesser known mates wear fake Rolex’s, fake tan and frost tips in their hair, they’ll easily carry it off.
• Hide the cheapest, foulest spirits in an elegant, exotic fruit punch.
• Pay for a professional cleaner to sort out the mess. It’s worth the hassle as there’s nothing worse than scrubbing vomit out of a carpet the next day when your head is pounding to the same rhythm as the hardcore beats of your 12 year old cousin (MC Badman).
