Are you a girl-shy sad case? Do you know considerably less than nothing about women? Join the club! This page is dedicated to all you romantically challenged losers out there who think you’re the only ones who haven’t got a clue.
This is where we can own up to our non existent relationships, our excruciating crushes, and our kamikaze efforts to get noticed by those women who don’t even know we exist.
So email in your toe-curlingly embarrassing stories to info@toasterproductions.co.uk, feel purged, and get some grade A advice from a Toaster character of your choice. Choose from:
Kind, warm-hearted, meaningful advice from the fluffier side of life. Might mention dolphins and kittens. Expert in dream analysis.
A no-nonsense, testosterone soaked perspective from Lance’s playboy older brother. One of the world’s great listeners.
A highly regarded authority on men with plenty of experience to bring to the table…. couch, or bed. Though not known for her discretion.
A self proclaimed oracle of wisdom on the sacred feminine and an avid try-sexual.
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“Dear Abby,
There’s a girl I know, sort of. She talked to me, and even agreed to ‘hang’ this Saturday evening. I have gotten this far - put simply, where next? What do women want?
Sincerely,
Neil, Redruth”
Abby says: “Basically, Neil,
women want a guy that looks like Johnny Depp, who has a good job, a fast car, and a tight butt. They don’t even want a guy with a big cock (but girth is important).
If that’s not you though, don’t give up - I’ve ‘hung’ with loads of guys who don’t fit that description. And my friend Steph even likes blokes for their personality! Maybe I should get you two together… Mind you, with a name like Neil you’re probably a bit of a spud. Send a photo next time, and a list of your favourite activities (hopefully they won’t include online gaming).”
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“Hi Steph,
there’s a girl who works on the tills in Sainsburys and she’s really cute and I want to ask her out, but the problem is I’ve got a false leg. Do you think it would matter to her?
Jerome,
West Malling”.
Steph says: “Hi Jerome,
you silly sausage. Of course it wouldn’t. Well, to be honest it might. But do you really want to go out with someone who regards a missing limb as a disability? I mean, yeah, it’s a disability technically, but it’s your soul that really matters. Thing is she’ll probably have things wrong with her too maybe. Like an ingrown toenail or athsma, that will help her understand. I suppose if she had a more serious problem that might her her understand more. Do you know any girls who have missing limbs?
Hope that’s helped,
Love and Greenpeace,
Steph xxx”
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“Dear Ed, I really fancy this girl who gets my bus to school. I’ve fancied her for 9 months and I’ve got absolutely nowhere. She goes to a different school, I don’t know any of her friends and I don’t know how to talk to her. Can you give me some good chat-up lines?”
Chris from Warminster
Ed says: “Chris, for f*cks sake pull yourself together man! Women go mad for a bit of cheek. Bowl in there and say ‘The word of the day is ‘legs’. Let’s go back to my place and spread the word.’”
